The Comedy Equivalent of a Sloth

6 min read

My excruciatingly slow journey to become a comedian, and well, anything else to be honest. On September 24th, I dragged myself back up on the stage for my 3rd experience of stand up. It’s been literally a year since my 2nd set in which I chewed my own balls and wanted to die. Figuratively of course.

I admit, I’d lost my confidence after the last experience. I still make comedy notes and observations on my phone to ‘work up later’.

I’ve been making these notes since 2011.

I am the comedy equivalent of a sloth.

Anyway, I recently found a local stand-up scene in Milton Keynes, turns out there are a few now. I stumbled upon the Concrete Cud, held upstairs at the Buck Star Brewery, also known as The Lion and Sun Tavern.

In August I booked the free tickets to reserve my space and see what this open mic was like. I had been to a comedy workshop here back in October 2023 which, frankly, was fucking awful. This wasn’t that. Valan is the organiser who works tirelessly to create a stand-up comedy scene in the most niche of locations. Not only in Milton Keynes, but within a small industrial estate in Milton Keynes. It is a wonder anyone can find it, but find it they do, as did I.

There were 8 acts on that night, of various experience, as in some rank amateurs, like me. Bingo, I found a place where I can develop. Valan has deliberately made it this way, so newbies can practise in a ‘safe space’ and who knows who might go on to have a big career.

After watching all the acts and feeling my confidence grow,

I put myself on for September. The compere is a guy called Lawrence. I got chatting to him afterwards and explained where I was in my journey. He’s put me in touch with a comedy workshop that meets regularly so comedians of any experience can try out their material and develop it before performing in front of a proper audience.

It was my intention to meet with this group to write something fresh after my 2 performances last year. I didn’t want to go out there with the same set. However, September didn’t go to plan. Stupidly, I asked ChatGPT to help me organise my 15 years of notes into some sort of order so I could then start stitching a new 5 minutes together. But that went completely wrong.

In my brian I was split in two.

Half of me was convinced I was going to bail and let Valan down. The other half was secretly championing me to go and do it, laughing to itself about how shocked the other half would be when it found out I was going to be doing it.

I’d decided on the day, and boy was the other side shocked. “You fucking nutter” it said to itself. But the good half of me was like “Dude, you’ve got your own fucking set on YouTube that YOU wrote, how hard is it to rehearse and remember it? You douche”

With the decision made, I of course felt better, excited. I spent half the day rehearsing, recording my audio into WhatsApp until I relearned the script, but it was over the 5 minutes.

Voice notes, apart from being really fucking annoying if you receive one from me, are a great way to record and time your set.

The only thing is I’m not sure how funny this set is, it’s another one of my long stories, and I can’t do long story short.

Anyway, long story short, my set titled Full English, was originally about 13 minutes. How good a 13 minutes? Hard to say, likely more funny than the 5 minutes I had to cut it down to – more on that in another blog soon.

Back to the 5 minutes, actually 5m 33 seconds. I managed to find a 20 second bit that I could cut out, boom. The speed at which I talk meant the set was now 4m59, consistently, and I could remember it. Boy, was I excited. However, I’ve been going through quite the midlife crisis since turning 50 and I was convinced, I was going to bail on performing, even though I knew I really needed to go.

A metaphorical hymen had been reforming

around my confidence since my last outing at Comedy Virgins at the Cavendish Arms, aka The Cav, back in September 2025. The pussy side of me had one more thing to say.

“You’ve not had confirmation, what if Valan has forgotten anyway, you’ve not heard from him in a month, tee hee”

I both emailed and instagrammed Valan.

Hi Valan, still on for tonight?

Pussy me was now feeling relaxed and good/exciting me was resigned.

Then Valan messaged back.

Yes mate.

Email confirmation had gone to my spam folder.

Pussy me, “Fuck!”
Exciting me “Fuck yeah!”

Now I had to get my head back in the game, again. I drove to the Concrete Cud, replaying my recording back in the car. Arrived, met everyone, mostly comics.

“I’ll put you on 3rd”, said Valan. I was very happy with that. As the other acts were on, my brian piped up again “Ben, you’ve forgotten everything”. Shit. Exciting me “The minute you grab the mic you’ll remember the 1st line, which means you’ll remember the 2nd line and so on, have fun you prick”.

Suddenly it was my turn. I took to the little stage, great set up, Concrete Cud logo projected on the back wall, it’s not big but it looks proper and it was my turn. I grabbed the mic, said the 1st line and I was away. I had 2 moments where I paused unexpectedly, breathed out and looked at the audience. Small audience, mostly comics with a plus 1 here and there. Didn’t matter.

Whilst I paused with their gaze on me,

I felt relaxed, in command. And this is what I am aiming for, to be slower, pause, make it look less rehearsed. I look at them, they have no idea what I am going to say next, and it’s a great feeling. I sort of came out of my body though, the words came out, people laughed, then the claps – not that kind – so I must be finished.

Because it was mostly comics, everyone had feedback for each other. After my set I made sure to stay and support the others, that’s the point, isn’t it? Something changed in me. I felt better, better than I’ve been recently.

The next day I realised; I want to blog; I want to write. I need a purpose – other than being a dad (which is the greatest thing there is). So, I reset the website, trod carefully back into WordPress, but this time with Claude Pro doing all the heavy lifting, and here I am.

And here you are.

Thanks for reading.

— B

If you enjoyed this, buy me a coffee.